I'm here to impress you.
I'm kinda like a car accident on the freeway, you try your best to ignore it but you can't resist the urge and look anyway.
My name is Jack, and I live life for a living.
So on Monday I went to see the doctor to check out what I thought was me developing allergies. Turns out I had a cold with conjunctivitis. Anyway, that’s not even the worse part. The nurse saw this as an excellent opportunity to set me up for a pap smear.
Seriously? Why do I need a faqass pap smear for? Ain’t nothing going on down there. I haven’t had a menstrual cycle since 2005, don’t need to replace my IUD til 2016, and I’ve been celibate for 2 1/2 years. If anything, maybe they’ll find cobwebs down there and discover that my flower has sealed shut due to lack of usage. Haha.
I can hear it now. "Miss Yamat. We regret to inform you that your flower has now closed for the season. We are unable to perform a proper pap smear until you have completed surgery to put your flower back into full bloom."
Seeing the gyno always brings on a bunch of irrational fears like - should I shave? What if I have to fart? Or worse, what if I have to take a dump midway?
You can bet your bottom dollar I spent a good half hour in the shower last night to make sure I was bald from the bellybutton down. Then I was like, wait, am I doing too much? Maybe my gyno will figure out how hard I’m trying to impress her. But then again, I should impress her, she’s the one checking out the goods.
Got up this morning feeling kinda anxious so I made sure to pee every ounce of liquid out and used the bidet like there was no tomorrow.
The nurse who greets me is actually the same nurse who held my hand when I had a miscarriage 11 years ago. I don’t think she recognized me but once she found out I was Filipino, we chopped it up in Tagalog like a bunch of gossipy old hags. Haha.
I’m sitting there talking about Samsung phones and the amazing service Verizon has while my gyno examines me. Sigh. This is the most action I’ve had in years. I’m still a virgin right?